Analyse that

Analyse that copy

Over the summer holidays my kids and I have been around other children more than usual and a few things have struck me. The first is about just how different the family rules are we all make within our homes.  When you are entrenched in your daily routine you don’t realise that you do have rules and ways of doing things – what time kids go to bed, eating habits, how decisions are made – lots of little and big things that actually make your family work.  When you are then around other children you do realise the rules are there. It’s encouraged me really to know that we do have a family identity – right or wrong, good or bad, we have established a way that is unique to us.

The other area and the one that I’m still considering is the difference between us as adoptive parents and my friends who are birth parents in how we analyse our children’s behaviour.  Whenever my children ask something, say something, do something it makes me wonder “hmm what was that about?  I wonder why she said that?, I wonder why he did that right then?”.  It’s struck me that actually that’s not so normal – or is it?  Is it normal to be forever analysing your child’s intentions, feelings, wishes – their inner world?  I know from my friends that wondering whether you’re a good parent is normal, in that we all do that at times – “did I handle that well?, am I doing the best for my child?, am I showing them what a good parent looks like?” – those kind of questions all parents probably ask themselves on occasion.

BUT do all parents constantly think about why their kids do what they do?  I don’t think so.  So is that ok?  Is being a detective around our children harmful to us and them?  What I am considering is how much energy is expending daily in this activity – probably too much!  Do my kids feel the intensity of my wonderings and analysing them?   Am I in fact hindering their freedom to express by constantly looking for underlying reasons?  I have actually come to no conclusion as yet – but it’s opened a train of thought that I’m sure will continue.

So what about you?  What rules and identity does your family have?  Are you analysing their every move to the detriment of them and you?  How can you stay curious about their inner worlds, help them to make sense of their feelings and allow them to be themselves?

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